I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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