I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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