you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
now i know why i became what i already was.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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