Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
