my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
