Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i was born a porn star she said
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
