you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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