I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
