First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
