Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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