Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
