I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
