FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
