Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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