im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
