im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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