I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
