it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
