I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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