The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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