a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
