You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
