that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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