when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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