Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
