Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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