The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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