i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
