my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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