My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
please come you make the beer taste better
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
