My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
