Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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