She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
