I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
