ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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