I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
