my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize