I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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