My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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