Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
