then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
