She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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