he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
