My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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