One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize