my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
