Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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