It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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