Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
