Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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