I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
