omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
