i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
