I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
