And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
