I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
