life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
