fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
