how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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