evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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